Intimate Relationships

 In every marriage to raise the bar on the intimate relationship, every couple needs to understand healthy relationship boundaries. 

Some Characteristics of healthy and unhealthy sexuality:

 

Healthy Sexuality:

 

1.     Accepting, embracing, comfortable with one’s body and/or body parts; body confidence.

2.     Affection for its own sake outside of lovemaking.

3.     Agency; freedom to choose; cultivateddesire (lower-desire) spouse has a voice in the bedroom; spontaneous-desire (higher desire spouse) feels like they have a voice as well; sex engaged in freely.

4.     Bridled; restrained; respectful; morality; healthy boundaries; emotionally or physically safe; sexual self-mastery (spontaneous-desire spouse); sexual development (cultivated-desire spouse).

5.     Connection-based, focused on the person; focused on connection; “goodenough sex”3

6.     Fully present and engaged – mentally, emotionally, physically.

7.     Informed and educated in positive ways on the differences and specific inhibitors and intricacies of male/ female sexual wiring; healthy thoughts and beliefs; healthy communication about sex.

8.     Multi-dimensional intimacy and connection – mental, emotional and spiritual in addition to physical.

9.     Mutual initiation; mutual effort.

10.  Mutuality; balancing self and other; respectful of each other’s sexual wiring and desires.

 

 

Unhealthy Sexuality

 

1.     Uncomfortable, ashamed, critical, embarrassed of one’s body and/or body parts; dissatisfaction with spouse’s body; pressuring spouse to surgically alter or improve their body.

2.     Non-sexual affection only as a precursor to sex.

3.     Entitled; sex is an expectation; partner feels pressured/ coerced/ manipulated; sex is demanded; spouse feels guilted into sex; results in duty sex; cultivated-desire spouse is consistently uninterested – spontaneousdesire spouse feels stuck.

4.     Unrestrained; impulse gratification; disrespected boundaries; unsafe emotionally or physically; compulsive or obsessive drive (spontaneous-desire spouse); suppressed or underdeveloped drive (cultivated-desire spouse).

5.     Performance-based; focused on physical acts and/or on outcome; climax, efficiency, performance or perfection focused.

6.     Detached mentally and emotionally; passive; mechanical; fantasizing about someone other than your spouse; fantasizing about other acts.

7.     Uninformed and uneducated or negatively taught regarding male/ female sexual differences; unrealistic expectations or sexual expectations based on personal experiences/ perspectives or other distorted, inaccurate, stereotypical media sources; negative/ distorted/ inhibited thoughts and beliefs about sex; unhealthy or no communication.

8.     One-dimensional – physical; detached from the relationship; void of mental, emotional or spiritual connection with spouse.

9.     Only the spontaneous-desire spouse initiates; imbalanced effort.

10.  Self-centered; victimizing; ignores others’ feelings, desires and boundaries; engaging in behaviors that the spouse considers demeaning, degrading, disrespectful; harming to self and/or others; spouse submits to avoid conflict.

  

Another Definition of Intimacy:

 

Intimacy does not occur in a vacuum, isolated from other human relationships, from values, or from our perceptions of ourselves and others. It is only one part—although a very important part—of our relationships with others. To understand intimacy properly, we must understand the proper nature of the family and of our relationships with others and the values that influence those relationships. We must understand our true roles with regard to each other. Teaching human intimacy to our children is only one of many ways in which we help them to prepare for eternal life. But it is a very important responsibility we have toward our children.

 

Preventing Marital Infidelity

Similar to most illnesses, infidelity is easier to prevent than to remedy. In addition to working to strengthen our marriages, we can prevent affairs by a) being on guard and b) being fiercely loyal.

Consider these wisely placed walls, among others (Glass, 1999; Goddard, 2007).

 Wise Walls

 

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.

• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.

• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.

• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a bed.

• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.

• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.

• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.

• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

 

 

Modern Subtlety

Today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means. He gets us inappropriately “Determine that there will never be anything that will come between you that will disrupt your marriage. Make it work. Resolve to make it work. There is far too much of divorce, wherein hearts are broken and sometimes lives are destroyed. Be fiercely loyal one to another.” (Hinckley, 1999, p. 4, emphasis added). close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship, or helpfulness. He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations. Perhaps this is Satan’s favorite ploy with those who desire goodness and are filled with compassion. The Book of Mormon describes his strategy: “And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell”.

 

https://latterdaysaintmag.com/raising-the-bar-on-intimate-relationships/

 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/a-parents-guide/chapter-1?lang=eng

 

file:///Users/radhikadhanpal/Downloads/Affair%20Prevention-1.pdf