Communication & Mutual Problem Solving
"Your
most important friendships should be with your own brothers and sisters and
with your father and mother. Love your family. Be loyal to them. Have a genuine
concern for your brothers and sisters. Help carry their load so you can say,
like the lyrics of the song, 'He ain't heavy; he's my brother'."
-President
Ezra Taft Benson
How can you work together as a
family to solve problems and find greater harmony?
A lot happens in families. Kids get sick. Repairs need to be done. Work, activities, and church all compete for your time. Sometimes you’re just solving problem after problem. It can be overwhelming!
So how do you bring your family closer with all that’s going on?
Thankfully, Heavenly Father has given us a pattern for
family life and communication called family councils. Here are four ways to
make them work for your family.
Councils Are Conversations, Not Lectures
President M. Russell Ballard, Acting President of the
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, taught: “Family councils have always been
needed. They are, in fact, eternal. We belonged to a family council in the
premortal existence, when we lived with our heavenly parents as their spirit
children.”1
Our family councils are modeled after this heavenly council.
Mothers and fathers counsel together and also with their children. Single
adults may counsel with the Lord and with a circle of trusted family and
friends. Counseling is a divine pattern and set of principles that will bring
more problem-solving power and harmony into your home. You might be thinking,
“How am I going to do that with my kids? They’re not really
interested in hearing what I have to say.”
If you approach a family council like a lecture, you’ll miss
its full potential. You can help guide the outcome of councils
by listening to every voice. A joyful atmosphere can be created where every
voice is valued and respected, and everyone feels like they are part of the
solution.
Councils Create Connection
Connecting regularly in councils will help you see what’s
really going on with each family member. These check-ins are vital to
everyone’s well-being. No family member should be left behind. Everyone in the
family ought to be involved in helping to create proactive solutions and in
setting their own goals. As families collaborate in making decisions,
individuals will thrive, and the family will become more unified as a whole.
You Can Celebrate and Collaborate
Family councils aren’t just about solving serious problems.
What if your wife recently received a promotion at work? You could celebrate
her accomplishment at your next family council. Maybe your family is developing
a habit of expressing gratitude. Have everyone take turns expressing something
they’re grateful for.
Make family councils fun, something everyone in the family
looks forward to. If everyone, down to the littlest family member, knows they
will be heard, seen, valued, and wanted, they’ll be glad to participate.
You Can Celebrate and Collaborate
Family councils aren’t just about solving serious problems. What if your wife recently received a promotion at work? You could celebrate her accomplishment at your next family council. Maybe your family is developing a habit of expressing gratitude. Have everyone take turns expressing something they’re grateful for.
Make family councils fun, something everyone in the family looks forward to. If everyone, down to the littlest family member, knows they will be heard, seen, valued, and wanted, they’ll be glad to participate.
Schedule councils when your family will be free from
distractions. If you already hold them, think of ways to improve. If you aren’t
holding family councils yet, today might be the perfect day to give it a try.
Start small and watch as family councils develop into a joyful occasion where
family members teach, learn from, and support one another.
The Five Secrets of Effective
Communication by David D. Burns
1. The Disarming Technique: Seek and find some truth in what
the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair to
you.
2. Empathy: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through his/her eyes.
a. Feeling empathy – Acknowledge how he/she is probably feeling. For example, (husband speaking), “So then the clerk told me to go to the end of the line and that was about all I could take.” (Wife speaking) “It sounds like that must have made you really angry.”
b. Thought empathy – Paraphrase the
other person’s words. For example, (wife speaking), “I have fourteen things to
do that all have to get done by noon today, so I would love to have some help
with some of this!” (husband speaking) “You have a lot of things to do today,
and you could use my help right now. Is that right?”
3. Inquiry: Ask gentle, probing questions to learn more
about what the other person is thinking and feeling.
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